Lexophile

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

 

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

 

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

 

   And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

 

Keeping the Grey Cells Active

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The
second child was named May...
What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and
he wears size 13 sneakers...
What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,...what was the highest mountain in the
world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole...that measures two feet by three feet
by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer
..How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg..
Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place,...
what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk
of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, ...how many haystacks would
he have if he combined them all in another field?

ANSWERS BELOW

Here are the Answers:

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The
second child was named May.
What was the third child 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall,
and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. (You're not very good
at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by
four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer
How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why
not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to
take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what
place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place,
not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of
the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other
field, how many haystacks would
he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.


Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Submitted by Paul Hickenbottom

Test Your Brain: Alzheimer's Eye Test

Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS..... 

HOW  MANY 'F's?

Count them again. 

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke..

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind this is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

F INISHED  F ILES ARE THE RESULT O F   YEARS O F SCIENTI F IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE O F   YEARS..... 

Incredible or what? 

Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius. 

Three is normal ,  four is quite rare .

Submitted by Paul Hickenbottom